2022: I can fix it
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NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Pizza is an emotion right?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea