If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I need a headline like this
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.