Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.