Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn