I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same