I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here