goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*