*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?