Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.