[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Just had my nails done!
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?