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You can’t outrun your problems…
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Beware of fowl play.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Our lord and savoury.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
3% human
97% stress
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up