Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!