When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.