I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
All is fair in drunk and war.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.