My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
umm…
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do