bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
This is a bad sign
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!