My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Namaste
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave