If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Dishonest mechanic?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.