I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
sin harder.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
They did not miss in the small print
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
NASA has no chill
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.