restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Risking my life for fun.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
So we got a goldfish…
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]