Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump