In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya