Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
No chill.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.