If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.