the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.