I hate when that happens.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
How to woo a woman
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??