Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards