I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.