Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
This 4th of July, please remember…
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?