all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.