Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Ah yes. The three genders
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Try and stop me.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?