“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?