me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
This is amazing.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
See..?
.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday