Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Cartman: Respect my
a a
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
He’s dead
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for