December birthdays be like…
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”