employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family