We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I unironically love this joke.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.