Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes