Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!