Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother