The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
You Might Also Like
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I only look at Wordle for the articles
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.