Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Truth
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford