Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
This will teach them to underestimate me
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.