My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
You Might Also Like
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
new year update: losing everything but weight
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
War & Peace
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.