How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]