My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT