“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u