HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
You Might Also Like
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
This is my emotional support knife.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit