ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.