Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)